Here we are again

I have written a good many blogs on this page, and have drafted and not posted at least three times as many. This one, according to the website will be my 168th. When i first started this blog i intended to have thousands by now. I suppose giving up blogging for almost a year didn't factor into that at the time. I figured this would be therapeutic, that it would be a release for me to just... bare my soul or whatever. I quickly realised it was just a way for me to get attention, although it never quite worked out how i planned. In the end it was just a way for me to get cheap digs at people without having to say it to their face or use their name. It was the saddest and most pathetic form of attack, and i've done some pretty low things in my time. I've always had an issue with intimacy, but not in the way people might think. You see, in my world, if i can't see, hear or be bothered to think about someone they don't exist. I don't consider family, other friends, partners or whatever. I used to (and still do to a certain extent) completely ignored that people in my life had a life besides me. This sounds incredibly vain i realise, but it's really not as bad as it sounds. It's only because if i truly care about someone, i hate the idea that someone else is spending time with them instead of me, that they might be laughing or talking or doing anything without me being involved in any way. And yes, this too is retarded, but it's just how i've always worked. It's just my brain. So i don't really know what i want to write about just that i was lying in bed, thinking about what crazy things i might dream about tonight (i've been having increasingly weird and horrible dreams recently) when i heard lewis start to breathe heavily beside me. I know well enough that this means he's fallen asleep and suddenly i started to think; why aren't i even close? Normally i'm gone sooner than he is unless i make a conscious effort to stay up later than him like if i'm reading or something. But for some reason i just couldn't figure it out. So for the first time in probably about 10 months or so i felt the urge to blog. And the one thing that i figure was keeping me up was how much i miss the time that i started this blog. Yes, i was single back then, and i don't want that back, but pretty much everything else i do. My friends firstly, i realised recently that i treated some of them pretty crappily, or at least i must have because none of them speak to me anymore. And for the first time ever i missed my male friends. Not just the ones who were in my group but the guys i hung out with during free periods and random times when they would just appear at lunch and make me laugh. I miss those times so much it actually hurts. I've never even thought about some of these people apart from if they have a facebook update for so long i can't even remember it and yet there i was lying in bed missing them more than i ever thought possible. Missing them even more than normal because i know nothing will ever go back to that again. In a few years i might not even know their names despite them being some of the only people who truly made me laugh in those years. I miss the people who i clicked with so well conversations would sprout from nothing and when lunch ended i would be confused as to where the time went. Knowing that i'm never going to speak to them again hurts me worse than i ever thought it would. And then there's the dull ache i get whenever i think about... my best friend? I don't know if that's the correct term anymore. I wish it was but it never feels right like it used to. Like it's forced instead of just being true. It used to be that calling Dylan my best friend was like calling my mum my mum; it was easy because there was no doubt in my mind that it was the absolute truth. Now it feels like connecting the two terms is like holding onto someone when they're dead or trying desperately to make two plus two make five. It just doesn't feel easy anymore. A long time ago i told Dylan that i thought he was my soul mate and i believed that so completely that i wasn't even that embarrassed telling him. Because it was true. He was. He was my taller, thinner, dutcher twin. And now... he's just Dylan. Not really my best friend and not really my soul mate and i know it's the same for him. It must be or else how would things be like this? How would things have gotten to a place where he calls and i let lewis pick it up and talk to him? A couple of years ago i would have taken someone out to answer the phone if i knew dylan was calling and now i shrug off the opportunity because i'm reading or watching something and let lewis talk to him. The pain i described about missing my old friends is worse than what i feel for Dylan because he's still there. Dylan still exists and the E-tree still exists and there's a tiny voice in my head that is trying to force things back into place but it just feels too late. And that sucks so much that even as i write this in tears some part of me already knows nothing is going to change. Because it's irreversable. We both agreed years ago that when either of us got into a relationship our friendship would change. And then i did, and then he did, and then he did again. And 500 miles didn't exactly help. I've written about this before, and it changed, and then went back to how it was again because if we're honest with ourselves i think we know that we're only good as soulmates. We don't work as people who phone each other everynow and again. We continually brush each other off because we've lost the people we were and in doing so lost each other. Single Chantel and single Dylan in London at the E-tree is where we belong together, as twins who just fit. Lewis' girlfriend and Neesha's boyfriend who lives in Aberdeen don't fit. We don't work that way. And if you ever read this, i know you feel the same. I don't want to stop talking altogether, because that would make things awkward for you and Lewis and if/when you come to London i want to be able to see you and things be all right. I just needed to write about how things are... and how i wish they weren't. If you don't agree, then i have a good couple of examples of times you've brushed me off for something stupid and visa versa. So here we are again; two years older, no wiser and just as depressing.

Finished

I started this blog because i wanted some way to write all my thoughts and stuff online and have people read them. It allowed me to be as frank as i wanted and not feel too embarrassed because i wouldn't see people's reactions. It also meant that i could tell my best friend everything i wanted to that i couldn't really to his face, like if i was pissed or wanted to say something really serious and heartfelt and whatever without getting too embarrassed.

I don't want or need to do that anymore so this is it. The end of my blog because there's no one to talk to anymore. No one to write to. It's been a year and a half and this part of my life is over now. I'm going to miss it, because it was a really good part of my life, but it's done now and so am I. I'll always remember the past year for being great, but it ran its course and now I'm ready to move on. That's it. The end.